As a life coach/counselor that specializes in working with gay men for over 10 years there’s almost always one theme that comes up in my office. Seriously it doesn’t matter whether he’s Black, White, Asian, Tall, Short, fat, or Thin almost all of my clients ask me the same question!
How do I get a good man?!
Lets go over a few things I often see and then go over some useful tips to help you get the man you deserve!
Do you really want a relationship?
Many gay men say they want a relationship as it seems more socially palatable to them but in truth what they really want is a fuck buddy. I might alienate few readers but based on my experience and what I’ve seen an open ‘relationship’ is not a genuine relationship.
If relationship needs to be open in order to survive that means one or both partners aren’t getting what they need from the relationship whether it be sexual satisfaction, emotional satisfaction, or both.
While there may be a few legitimate open ‘relationships’ most are relationships of convenience. A fundamental principle of any real relationship is commitment; the very thing an open ‘relationship’ lacks by design.
Perpetually single gay men tend to be waaaayyyyy too picky!
Seriously this comes up over and over and over again in my office.
Example #1: You have the 50 year old heavy set guy that wants a 20 year old hairless twink and insists the expenses be split 50/50.
Example #2: You have the Asian American man that only wants to date White men, not other Asians, and wouldn’t be caught dead with a Black man.
Example #3: There’s the blonde hair blued eyed gorgeous twink that knows it and his head wouldn’t fit inside a football stadium.
Here’s some stats that may shock you.
The data show that gay men are a far less percentage of the population than we think. The best data available show that approximately 3.5% of the population identifies as LGBT.
If we assume its evenly split between gay men and women that means that literally out of every 10 people less than 1 is a gay man!
Keeping those numbers in mind being less picky should be a priority for anyone that is perpetually single.
Bottom line: It should be 30% looks 70% personality not the other way around!
Perpetually single gay men have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like
We all have that ideal image of what a relationship should look like. We imagine wonderful partner that’s always smiling, great communication, and great sex.
As a person in the mental health industry I want to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth! Most relationships consist of disagreements and conflict with a few moments of happiness.
The thing is those moments of happiness bring so much joy (in a healthy relationship) that it makes everything else worth it!
Having a boyfriend doesn’t typically solve ones internal issues it only exacerbates them. Too often I have clients tell me that they just need a boyfriend so badly when in reality what they need is a therapist.
Bottom line: A partner is supposed to compliment you not complete you!
Okay so how do I get a partner?
Now I’ve told you what’s wrong its time to tell you what’s right. Next we will go over the things that are necessary for a successful gay relationship to come into being.
Sorry Sam but its not just the inside that counts
First step is to open the door and you do that by making yourself as appealing as possible physically.
Look, we’ve all heard as children that ‘its what’s on the inside that counts’ and we also know, if we’ve spent any time at all on grindr, that nothing could be further from the truth. Your looks open the door and its your personality that keeps them.
The popular online mental health website Psychology Today featured an article that stated:
…men’s arousal patterns (gay as well as straight) has repeatedly emphasized their sensitivity to visual cues. As soon as the lust-inspiring image registers in their brain, they become turned-on—not only physically but psychologically, too.
If you are single and looking I strongly recommend losing weight if you have weight to lose.
Yes there is a small community of chubby chasers out there but this is a numbers game. The more people you appeal to physically the higher your chances of finding your future husband.
I’ve recommended the 3 Week Diet over and over to clients seeking to lose weight with great feedback. Also keeping yourself neat and tidy with good posture will go a long way towards attracting a date. !
You are what you attract
A lot of clients aren’t happy with the types of guys they are attracting. Maybe they’re attracting so-called ‘wierdos’ or guys that just don’t appeal to them at all.
Sorry to say but 9 times out of 10 who you are attracting is an accurate reflection of the way the world perceives you.
If you’re constantly attracting an image that you don’t like that means its time to have a long painful look in the mirror and ask yourself why that type of person finds you appealing.
Flexibility is key
By now you should be seeing a common theme throughout this article. If you want to get a husband you’ve got to be flexible. I’m sure someone’s going to write in the comments that they are not desperate and shouldn’t have to accept less.
No I’m not saying to just take the next thing that shows you interest, okay?
What I am saying is if you’re 50 lbs overweight chances are high the guys you will appeal to are also going to be overweight. Therefore unless you’re willing to do the work to lose some weight you need to be flexible enough to accept an overweight partner.
What I’m saying is if you tend to be the type of guy that ‘tells it like it is’ then don’t expect a partner that is thoughtful with his words.
What I’m saying is if you have bad acne then maybe you can’t expect a guy with beautiful clear skin.
What I’m saying is if you are earning close to or near minimum wage it may not be realistic to attract a guy that earns 180k. Unless you’re young, thin, and willing to be with someone significantly older and/or heavier than you or you do something to make more money!
Personality is often the problem
Okay so you’re a decent looking guy who is already fairly flexible but still having trouble landing the right guy. If that’s the case then it most likely is your personality that’s the problem.
Sorry to be harsh but it’s what I see way more often than not. Do you have quirks that most people find unbearable? Do you couple your flexibility with entitlement?
Some guys that are flexible think that gives them a right to be entitled.
He should do this for me since I’m willing to date him!
I once had a White client tell me how irritated he was with his Black boyfriend because he wouldn’t give him sex every night. After making sure there wasn’t an attraction or medical issue I explained that maybe he was just tired.
My client then exclaimed
“Yeah but look at me! So many guys want to date me and I went for a Black guy! He should be grateful I’m even with him! “
Unsurprisingly a few sessions later he told me they had broken up.
Attitude is everything guys. No one should have to endure dating someone that feels a sense of entitlement for dating them. When I say be flexible I mean be humbly flexible.
Bottom line: Relationships are about respect, not keeping score and doing favors.
Think about what you can offer
People don’t like to think of romantic relationships as transactional but the truth is they are. Just like employment, friendship, or any other sort of relationship if both sides don’t perceive sufficient benefit from the relationship that relationship doesn’t happen.
Two years ago I had a client that was 32 years old, working part time, and living with his mom. He asked why he can’t get a good educated man. After asking him if he would want to date someone in his situation he looked down and answered with his silence.
Too often I hear clients talk about what they want in a man. Too little do I hear them talk about what they have to offer a man. Relationships are give and take. If you’re not willing to give don’t expect other to let you take.
Those fixated on what they can take usually don’t realize how little they have to give.
Another thing I want to clarify right away is that sex isn’t enough. You can be the best in bed but if that’s all you’ve got the relationship won’t last.
What the best way to get a gay relationship?
I know what many of you reading this may have gone through. Rejection by family and friends, mistreatment by other members of the gay community, constantly judged because of your appearance.
I get it being gay can suck sometimes but we must always look at the bright side of life. Being positive will attract good things to you while being negative won’t.
If you are finding it difficult to stay positive I recommend the 15 Minute Manifestation Course. It’s a great way to stay begin your spiritual healing so you can protect the true you into the world!
Typically I avoid discussing my personal life on here but I will tell you a story. I have two friends. Lets call one Ed and the other Jerome. They’re both African American men here in Minnesota.
Ed despite all the shit he’s been through has a positive attitude and a positive outlook on life. Contrast that to Jerome who is an angry person. I love him to death but his constant rants about racism and the ‘white man’ can really wear a person down.
Anyway, its no surprise that Ed is doing well in his life. He has a good number of friends, a loving partner, and is earning good money. While Jerome, sadly, isn’t. He’s always moving from place to place and working random jobs and of course single.
He always blames everything on his skin color despite the fact that he knows Ed is also African American and doing quite well. His energy is what enables his shitty life.
If despite all the shit you get on grindr you can still maintain a positive outlook on gay life and gay relationships I promise your chances of achieving gay love will be significantly higher than otherwise.
A big part to staying positive is to exercise! Exercises causes endorphins in the brain which improve mood dramatically.