As a life coach/counselor that specializes in giving gay relationship advice working with gay men for over 10 years there’s almost always one theme that comes up in my office. Seriously it doesn’t matter whether he’s Black, White, Asian, Tall, Short, fat, or Thin almost all of my clients ask me the same question!
How do I get a good man?!
Lets go over a few things I often see and then go over some useful gay relationship advice to help you get the man you deserve!
Are you really looking for a gay boyfriend?
Many gay men say they want a relationship as it seems more socially palatable to them but in truth what they really want is a fuck buddy. I might alienate few readers but based on my experience and what I’ve seen an open ‘relationship’ is not a genuine relationship.
If a relationship needs to be open in order to survive that means one or both partners aren’t getting what they need from the relationship whether it be sexual satisfaction, emotional satisfaction, or both.
While there may be a few legitimate open ‘relationships’ most are relationships of convenience. A fundamental principle of any real relationship is commitment; the very thing an open ‘relationship’ lacks by design.
So, without further ado let’s go over a few reasons why so many men that want a gay relationship are not able to get one.
Please keep in mind this is me trying to help you. My goal is not to put anyone down or make them feel bad. My goal is to give you knowledge and tools that you need so that you too can walk down the aisle and say “I do” sooner rather than much much later.
That being said I am going to give it to you straight because that’s how I roll. Lying doesn’t help anyone except the liar is what my mother used to say.
Perpetually single gay men tend to be waaaayyyyy too picky!
Seriously, this comes up over and over and…..again and…..again in my office.
Example #1: You have the 50 year old heavy set bear that wants a 20 year old hairless twink but also insists the expenses be split 50/50.
Example #2: You have the Asian American man that only wants to date White men, not other Asians, and wouldn’t be caught dead with a Black man.
Example #3: There’s the gorgeous blonde hair blued eyed twink that knows it and thinks anyone who’s worthy of him should be as gorgeous as he is or a billionaire.
Example #4: Then there’s the educated African American that says “black men ain’t about shit” but will date a white janitor
Here’s some stats that may shock you.
The data show that gay men are a far less percentage of the population than we think. The best data available show that approximately 3.5% of the population identifies as LGBT.
If we assume its evenly split between gay men and women that means that literally out of every 10 people less than 1 is a gay man!
Keeping those numbers in mind next time you’re typing that laundry list of ‘no’s’ in your grindr profile.
Now I’m not saying looks don’t matter because they do. There has to be some sexual attraction. A good rule of thumb that I teach to my clients is if you can do it with the lights on then he’s handsome enough.
Bottom line: It should be 30% looks 70% personality not the other way around!
Perpetually single gay men have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like
We all have that ideal image of what a relationship should look like. We imagine wonderful partner that’s always smiling, great communication, and great sex.
As a person in the mental health industry I want to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth! Most relationships consist of disagreements and conflict with a few moments of great happiness.
The thing is those moments of happiness bring so much joy (in a healthy relationship) that it makes everything else worth it!
Having a boyfriend doesn’t typically solve one’s internal issues it only exacerbates them. Too often I have clients tell me that they just need a boyfriend so badly when in reality what they need is a therapist.
Bottom line: A partner is supposed to compliment you not complete you!
Okay so how do I get a partner?
Now I’ve told you what’s wrong its time to tell you what’s right. Next we will go over the things that are necessary for a successful gay couple to come into being.
Sorry Sam its not just the inside that counts
First step is to open the door and you do that by making yourself as appealing as possible physically.
Look, we’ve all heard as children that ‘its what’s on the inside that counts’ and we also know, if we’ve spent any time at all on grindr, that nothing could be further from the truth. Your looks open the door and its your personality that keeps them in.
The popular online mental health website Psychology Today featured an article that stated:
…men’s arousal patterns (gay and straight) has repeatedly emphasized their sensitivity to visual cues. As soon as the lust-inspiring image registers in their brain, they become turned-on—not only physically but psychologically, too.
If you are single and looking I strongly recommend losing weight if you have weight to lose.
Yes there is a small community of chubby chasers out there but this is a numbers game. The more people you appeal to physically the higher your chances of finding your future husband.
I’ve recommended the this special diet plan over and over to clients seeking to lose weight with great feedback. The truth is the key to weight loss is sitting right on your kitchen table!. Also keeping yourself neat and tidy with good posture will go a long way towards attracting a date!
If dieting isn’t your thing that’s okay you can still lose weight by exercising at home. I personally love the bodyboss 2.0 portable home gym. It gives a complete workout yet it’s compact enough to fit into a brief case!
You are what you attract
A lot of clients aren’t happy with the types of guys they are attracting. Maybe they’re attracting so-called ‘wierdos’ or guys that just don’t appeal to them at all.
Sorry to say but 9 times out of 10 who you are attracting is an accurate reflection of the way the world perceives you.
If you’re constantly attracting an image that you don’t like that means its time to have a long painful look in the mirror and ask yourself why that type of person finds you appealing.
Flexibility, not communication, is key
By now you should be seeing a common theme throughout this article. If you want to get a boyfriend or a husband you’ve got to be flexible. Oh, and I’m sooo tired of hearing that old trope that communication is the key.
Communication doesn’t mean jack crap if all you’re communicating is that its your way or the highway.
I’m sure someone’s going to write in the comments that they are not desperate and shouldn’t have to accept less.
No I’m not saying to just take the next thing that shows you interest, okay…
- What I am saying is if you’re 50 lbs overweight chances are high the guys you will appeal to are also going to be overweight. Therefore unless you’re willing to do the work to lose some weight you need to be flexible enough to accept an overweight partner.
- What I’m saying is if you tend to be the type of guy that ‘tells it like it is’ then don’t expect a partner that is thoughtful with his words.
- What I’m saying is if you have bad acne then maybe you can’t expect a guy with beautiful clear skin.
- What I’m saying is if you are earning close to or near minimum wage it may not be realistic to attract a guy that earns 180k. Unless you’re young, thin, and willing to be with someone significantly older and/or heavier than you or you do something to make more money!
Personality is often the problem
Okay so you’re a decent looking guy who is already fairly flexible but still having trouble landing the right guy. If that’s the case then it most likely is your personality that’s the problem.
Sorry to be harsh but it’s what I see way more often than not. Do you have quirks that most people find unbearable? Do you couple your flexibility with entitlement?
Some guys that are flexible think that gives them a right to be entitled.
He should do this for me since I’m willing to date him!
I once had a White client tell me how irritated he was with his Black boyfriend because he wouldn’t give him sex every night. After making sure there wasn’t an attraction or medical issue I explained that maybe he was just tired.
My client then exclaimed
“Yeah but look at me! So many guys want to date me and I went for a Black guy! He should be grateful I’m even with him! “
Unsurprisingly a few sessions later he told me they had broken up.
Attitude is everything guys! No one should have to endure dating someone that feels a sense of entitlement for dating them. When I say be flexible I mean be humbly flexible.
Bottom line: Relationships are about love and respect, not keeping score and doing favors.
Think about what you can offer
People don’t like to think of romantic relationships as transactional but the truth is they are. Just like employment, friendship, or any other sort of relationship if both sides don’t perceive sufficient benefit from the relationship that relationship doesn’t happen.
Two years ago I had a client that was 32 years old, working part time, and living with his mom. He asked why he can’t get a good educated man. After asking him if he would want to date someone in his situation he looked down and answered with his silence.
Too often I hear clients talk about what they want in a man. Too little do I hear them talk about what they have to offer a man.
Relationships are give and take! If you’re not willing to, or you simply can’t, give don’t expect others to let you take.
Those fixated on what they can take usually don’t realize how little they have to give.
Another thing I want to clarify right away is that sex isn’t enough. You can be the best in bed but if that’s all you’ve got the relationship won’t last.
What’s the BEST way to get a gay relationship?
I know what many of you reading this may have gone through. Rejection by family and friends, mistreatment by other members of the gay community, constantly judged because of your appearance.
I get it being gay can suck sometimes but we must always look at the bright side of life. Being positive will attract good things to you while being negative won’t.
If you are finding it difficult to stay positive then check out manifestation wizardry. It’s free and it will help you to beget the mental discipline you need to get not just a successful relationship but also a successful life!
If you want to attract positive things into your life, such as a loving gay relationship, then you must be positive yourself. That means not snapping at every irritation, being kind and helpful, and not always saying whatever’s on your mind. In other words you must have mental discipline to succeed not just in getting a man but getting a good life!
Typically, I avoid discussing my personal life on here but I will tell you a story. I have two friends. Lets call one Ed and the other Jerome. They’re both African American men here in Minnesota.
Ed despite all the crap he’s been through has a positive attitude and a positive outlook on life. Contrast that to Jerome who is an angry person. I love him to death but his constant rants about racism and the ‘white man’ can really wear a person down.
Anyway, its no surprise that Ed is doing well in his life. He has a good number of friends, a loving partner, and is earning good money. While Jerome, sadly, isn’t. He’s always moving from place to place and working random jobs and of course single.
He always blames everything on his skin color despite the fact that he knows Ed is also African American and doing quite well. His energy, not his skin color, is what enables his poor quality life.
If despite all the junk you get on grindr you can still maintain a positive outlook on gay life and gay relationships I promise your chances of achieving gay love will be significantly higher than otherwise.
A big part to staying positive is to exercise! Exercise causes the release of endorphins in the brain which improve mood dramatically.
A Note on Daddy/Son Dating
I just want to make it clear that you’re not wrong for your desires. Almost all mature men, whether they admit it or not, are attracted to young healthy men and almost all men are attracted to resources i.e. money. That’s why if you want to date someone half your age you’re going to have to pay for it.
Here’s How to Get a Gay Partner
- Stay Positive! I strongly recommend manifestation techniques to help you manifest a boyfriend/partner/husband into your life. Here is a free guide to manifestation.
- Be as physically appealing as possible! No looks aren’t everything but you’ll make it 100x easier for yourself if you’re in good shape. Dieting is the best way to lose weight but exercise is not!
- Flexibility is key! As gay men our dating pool is limited. Just remember that the next time your composing your laundry list of no’s.